haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
