So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
