I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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