Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
A bitchslap is in order.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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