my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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