oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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