is your mom at the bar?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
