matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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