Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
