shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize