Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
