My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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