I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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