I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
