Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
