I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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