From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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