Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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