My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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