He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He felt like a one man threesome
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
