we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
