So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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