Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
