I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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