By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
