so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
