last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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