We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
