Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
