Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
