You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
