alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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