I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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