The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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