Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Bring me that man meat
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
