woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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