have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
