how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
