What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
