she woke up with a sticky ear
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize