my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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