I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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