My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
whose parrot is this?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
