it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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