I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
