I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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