blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
