i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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