I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
