Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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