sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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