I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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