The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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