I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
