Got a toothbrush?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
