Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
