I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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