I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
